Sunday, May 27, 2018
It's been such a long while since i posted anything here.
mainly because i'm busy and packed with work and colleagues and stuff.
6 day work week is no joke, i barely have time for myself, let alone people around me.
i would appreciate so much if you could give me some attention, when i'm available.
like, you can do anything outside of my busy schedule, it's fine.
but, you do know that i only get to "rest" one day every week.
yet, it was so difficult to ask some time from you.
all the promises you made from the start, do you know it has been 7 years?
7 years since we were together.
you tell me you will not let me be sad.
you told me for every time you upset me, you will make me happy for 99 times?
yup, sure it sounded dumb. but i chose to believe.
to keep believing that you will grow, you will change.
but some times, really, i'm tired.
tired of waiting for you to grow, for changes to happen.
remember 2 years back?
when i pushed you to get a BTO with me?
i had to push so hard, like it was so difficult.
like it did not occur to you at all that we need to move forward.
i asked; what's your plan?
i asked time and again, i hope you could excel in your career.
i wanted financial stability. yes, you have a job, but you could do so much more.
so why do you stop at where you are comfortable.
if you are planning to do that, then why pursue a degree?
why pursue for IT courses certification?
when you had no plans to make use of them.
all a waste of money? and time?
i can't help but think some times that, maybe i'm not your forever person.
i'm not giving you the motivation to move ahead.
i'm tired of been alone all the time.
alone and ahead. i keep waiting.
how long can i wait.
you said plan for our perfect wedding 3 weeks ago.
and then? all these words just meant nothing when you keep telling me you have other commitments.
there are times i wished i have enough self love to leave you.
because everyone tells me i'm worthy of someone more.
===========
episode after episodes at work
never-ending politics at work.
since when did having teamwork such a difficult task.
as a CM, you have close to zero leadership.
yes you can do everythng on your own, but you don't need to.
that's what all your subordinates are for.
delegate the jobs accordingly, know their strengths and make them work miracles.
i could say we have similarities, i know you get away with things using that smile of yours.
same to me, i could get away with a lot of things.
yet, there are times i felt i needed to take the responsibility.
it reflects on yourself, it reflects on how others will see you.
role model? or someone you never want to be?
wow, then you stopped all the information from floating around.
so, we do what we felt like it's needed, and what we don't, we need not know?
okay. that's fine too.
with the lost of a great leader, leaves me in no position to stay in this situation.
i tend to learn from people around me, i'd rather find someone else.
seems like we will all be going our separate ways soon.
and it feels like i'm being an asshole not listening to people around me.
if i'm gonna feel all these thorns on me, i'd rather not say a thing more.
i'm tired. i know my problem, but what's wrong?
i'll never satisfy everyone, i already know that.
i'm indecisive yes, and you mocking me will not help.
being emotional is not what i wish for.
but times have been so bad that i can get anxiety over anything.
it has been so tensed up these few weeks.
i cant control my emotions, or barely.
i can be smiling one second and the next, bawling my eyes out.
over the slightest issues.
anytime i felt like i wasn't respected, i wasn't wanted.
in so much pain, i might even think i have depression.
doubt it. i'm too happy to have it, right?
at times like this, i wished my boyfriend was there for me.
but nope, i'll never be taken seriously.
moving on to a new job soon, i hope?
let's see how it goes.
=============
the distance will only grow further.
it is the best for us all.
you have your life, i have mine.
i keep telling myself to lock my heart.
but it always don't happen.
~matters of the heart, unresolved~
Innocence
2:56 PM
