Sunday, January 11, 2009
if anyone ever reads mine/his blog...
would have realise we broke lerrr..
its my choice to leave..
i dun wanna run away from my problem lerrr..
i found my courage to do so lerrr..
this is how i'll say how he treats me..
in the beginning..
he hug me over my neck from the back..
comfortable n feeling safe..
den it started getting tighter..
and tighter n tighter..
n TIGHTER..
until i cant breathe anymore..
i gotta get away...
the more u wan me now..
the more i wanna get away...
the lil things dat i neglect..
like friendster status..
friendster pictures..
facebook pictures..
if it was u..
wud u have done the same?
wud u have uploaded those pictures?
i dun blame u...
i'm juz plain lazy.. u shld noe this by now..
u say u wun cux u dun think u look good..
how bout i have as lil confidence as u..
but i update it once in a while to let ppl noe how i'm doing..
i din care enuff for u..
u noe i've got my many grps of frenx..
u noe i've got tutorials classes n lects..
u'll stil probably think i'm giving excuses..
it shld be me willing to make time..
yet the way u always put it..
makes me feel as i'm forced to be with u..
i feel forced..
2 persons being together shld be fun..
even when i'm acting alright..
u were happy..
u weren't sensitive to my feelings..
how could i tell u how i feel..
when all it makes u do ish juz go emo..
when u alrdy ARE emo..
i'm juz make things worse..
mayb it started gettin too much for me to take..
i cant always be taking care of u..
sometimes i nid to be taken care of too..
mayb this ish wad i get for going with u..
someone younger den my age ba..
do u see it now?
why frenx meant more to me?
cux i've been thru so many relationships..
i threw it to my besties..
cux they noe me best..
they noe wad to advice me..
many of these stuff r juz like the song..
不能跟情人说的话
dat's why my frenx are there..
always there for me de..
like u said..
my love for u was always silence..
it was always there..
yet u refuse to believe..
u question me time n again..
i reali do get tired after a while..
in those many relationships..
i grew tired.. reali tired..
tired to put in too much effort..
cux i noe it hurts alot..
i noe it hurts so i initially told u to gif me time..
but everything gone outta hands..
i'm sorry.. i shld've curb myself..
den i wudnt have start this journey..
dat leads to hurt n pain..
things i do for u..
the lil things dat i did..
so little.. i noe its kinda insignificant..
the stars.. the bag.. the wig stuff..
i duno how much i did..
thanks for the drawings..
u're talented there..
continue to draw.. u're learn n grow..
thanks for the roses..
thx for the hello kitty pan..
it reali ex.. but u stil bought it..
like i've told u...
there's too much regrets and 'sorry' in our relationship..
how many times have we said sorry?
how many times have we regretted wad we did..
u had ur chance..
u treasured our relationship so much..
it started to stress me out..
i feel like i cant do much..
i felt useless when u keep saying i dun spend time with u..
every step i take back to take a breath..
u step ahead.. u pulled our distance so close..
dat i couldnt take the stress..
too much love.. too much..
i noe it hurts...
wad u experience now is wad i had many more times..
u wud say its different..
how bout i'll tell u..
it hurts me as much as it hurts u..
let's imagine ok?
we get back together again..
me acting happy..
not going against u..
u happy..
until one day i faced a prob..
tried to talk to u bout it..
den u'll tell me u duno how to console me..
den i'll like tink bout it..
den u'll start to see me emo abit..
den u get a lil more emo-ish..
den i'll try to act happy again..
den u happy..
den exams come assignments come..
i'll study with my frenx..
u'll start to tink i'm ignoring u..
den u'll start flooding my inbox..
with stuff like..
wad i'm doing if i'm free..
den when time stretches..
it changes to..
u're dao-ing me..
dun dao mi..
den u tink tink tink..
u'll start to emo..
den the cycle ends up like this ba..
i guess la..
y hurt ourselves the 2nd time when we noe it'll hurt..
u dun fall down twice to realise it hurts ba..
y izt juz the guy the guy the guy..
reali.. i've told more den juz one person..
i talk to my closer frenx about it..
'the guy' juz happens to be one of them..
one of them.. i din even said anything bout u..
she told me she cud see dat i'm not very happy..
ppl hu noe me long enuff tells me stuff like..
i can see u're not happy, but if u're ok with it ba..
kinda stuff.. they dun force any decision..
so they play no part in my decision..
i noe nothing happened the day we broke up..
it juz came to dat when i decicded i cannot run lerr..
there's so much stuff bottled in mi..
sometimes i reali duno how to put it across..
sometimes i feel we reali got age gap..
some stuff u dun understand yet..
some stuff i cant put to words..
somehow somewhat la..
i noe i very petty thinking of stuff like this..
juz let me write ba..
times when i said my piece and u dun listen..
bout frenx.. we've gone thru that topic so many many times..
i've told u looks is not everything..
even if u've got the best looks..
u might not find ur bestest best frenx..
frenx dat noe u inside out..
do u oni make frenx with those dat have looks?
bout the kanda boots..
reali la.. i was kinda pissed off when u said i din help..
i asked if u wan me help u borrow from those hu went army not..
i told u u could buy army boots from army market..
n u told me i did nothing..
i can see from here how insignificant my words are..
how did u make me happy?
u gave me those roses..
accidentally on the same day as 100days n dun realise it..
i dun nid expensive presents or wad..
i juz nid to feel dat u understood me..
noe wad i wan..
n not like i say lerrr den u buy..
its juz not e same lerrr..
ps for being so childish..
i'm stil immature la.. >.<
in a relationship..
alot of things juz comes naturally..
the smiles the laughter..
its rather sad when i dun understand ur joke..
or u dun understand mine..
the joke's not exactly funny after explanation..
something lidat ba..
its a kinda mo qi to noe wad each other thinking..
how well do u noe me?
i mux also say la..
in this relationship u study NP..
i study NTU..
diff courses.. diff timetables..
of cux more diff to understand each other's courses n stuff..
wanna tok bout planning dates?
wad i tink ish even if we go to some ulu ulu place sit down n talk..
i oso can be happy de..
there's no nid for every date to be so oooooh romantic stuff..
dates doesnt nid to be expensive..
wad matters is whether the mood ish correct not..
whether we're happy not..
if planning where to go makes u stress..
how r u gonna plan like special dates..
special dates comes once in a while..
if u tink it's worth a celebration..
den let's go.. no nid tink so much..
mayb u haven seen thru me ba..
simple ish reali the best happiness lerr..
i realise ur thinkings always very far de..
if u wanna dream..
at least tink stuff closer to ur dreams..
n continue to climb to ur dreams..
i could see u tink alot n very far..
but u oni tink..
stand n do something alright?
peiqi ish not worth dying for..
peiqi ish nothing but shit..
hey wth.. she's a bitch lehhh..
bimbo.. ah lian.. wadever u call her..
do u noe wad she's reali like?
one impt thing in relationship..
i teach u..
if she treats u like how she treats her frenx..
dat's her true self..
if she becomes another person when with u around..
she's not being true to herself..
even my frenx told me they tink i'm forced in this relatioship..
the times u treat me best?
it got washed away by the bad memories u've left me with ba..
i kinda forgotten.. (my STM ish damn bad.. u can ask around..)
times i'm reali happy hardly exist in the 2nd half of our relationship..
my 2nd ex meant alot to me too..
at first i cant let go too..
i cried every other time..
i saw him with other gals i sad..
den i realise..
my love for him has became a habit..
not reali love any more...
i noe u've grown dependent on me..
but sometimes in life..
u've gotta be independent..
like for tests n tutorials..
u've got a teacher guiding u..
in an exam, u stil gotta do the paper urself..
u're right saying ur parents not forever with u..
den u've gotta grow independent..
it takes time to grow..
mature ur tots ba..
look at wad ish ahead of u now..
prioritise ur life..
studies den family or something..
dun look too far ahead..
in life everythings goes step by step..
there's no direct route right to the top..
dun make ur parents worry..
dun make them sad..
pls if they have any anger..
throw it at me..
cux i'm at fault dat their son became lidat..
eat some stuff..
dun starve urself.. u left oni bones lerrr..
sometimes i feel my care for u..
ish like mummy to son..
i feel very motherly..
something like i'm taking care of u..
i'm a lil relieve after i said my piece..
i noe it'l hurt u and haunt u..
but if i go back to u n end up unhappy again..
it'll hurt u more ba..
tink of me as a selfish brat ba..
ppl always say i kind to everyone but myself..
can i be selfish this once so dat at least..
i'm my true self n happy when i wan..
u can continue to habour hopes ba..
but u noe wad i'll say..
finally..
i'm reali sorry..
i made u fall so deep and left u there..
~if ending wasnt so pain to me i wud haf left n leave u lesser pain~
Innocence
12:47 AM
