Saturday, October 13, 2007
so long nvr blog liaox..
its 84 days le..
shyt.. the feeling is like 10 times worse..
den that time when wid yulin..
fuk.. its not leaving me alone..
at this rate i'm reali gonna lose everything..
whether things that i have now..
or things i'm working towards..
my brain is not listening..
fuk.. now no one understands like wth i'm toking bout..
arghhhhhh........
i've nothing to hold on to..
its true i have to take the first big steps..
and everything after dat..
but its when i keep trying dat is tiring..
imagine u fall at every step...
like NO matter how much u try..
ppl keep pushing at the back..
and at the front no one's waiting for u..
i'm working towards nothingness..
i feel reali empty..
i need something in my life..
and i'm not taking them out on moii frenx..
fuk.. i dun wanna lose anything anymore..
i'm feeling reali lousy..
yeah.. i'll keep smiling.....
everyone tells me to stay crazy..
but its not being able to stay not crazy dat is driving me crazy..
no one wan to see me sad..
but.... its jus reali reali hard..
last time i used to be very careful about things..
and can be very petty sometimes..
especially when it comes to frenx..
when things go off course abit..
i'll be like going mad trying to bring it back...
i'll get very angry with frens over very small things..
like the jiaming story i've told minhui n lynette..
i was reali angry with the FEW best frenx i have..
and i reali cared for them even when "i dun fren them"..
i realised their importance in my life..
it feels as if at that point of time..
that without them i'll juz wither n die..
dat's how much i put my frenship on the risk..
risking the friendship dat i took almost 2 yrs to build..
to get away from those nightmares in my class..
its reali sad.. when u noe dat no other ppl is gonna believe u..
its reali lonely..
dat's y... i'm scared of being alone..
i feel very unwanted..
the moment i'm alone..
i hate to go out there..
to face those happy eyes i see..
those eyes looking at me..
almost like they are taking pity of me..
i hate it.. alot..
and i hate it even more..
after all the relationships i've been thru..
to go out there see those happy couples..
yesh i'm happy for them all..
but it still hurts alot within..
seeing them smiling sweetly..
God will bless them all...
however now.. thing is..
i've changed from the very petty me..
but i dunno if its for the beta..
its either i've no longer bother to care bout stuff..
or.. i've become more understanding..
treasuring moi frenx becomes so impt..
that i dun tink i am willing to let go..
even if u ask me to gif up on my studies..
i stil tink its worth it..
cux i noe wad's it'll like to be alone..
i dun wanna see anyone sad..
i'm willing to do anything for friends..
i've lost enuff ppl around me..
mayb i shld have reconsidered my best fren's advice..
mayb it wasn't worth it to end it after all..
n i'm wrong bout myself..
i guessed i've realli put in too much..
expecting too much..
and yes.. i fell hard..
y din i believe in myself...
argh...................!!!
studies..
wad's bout studies when life sux..
i noe i nid to study..
i noe it impt..
but if i cant put my heart to it..
i dunno if there's any use..
i wil jiayou..
it'll be my best.. i promise..
~watashi benkyo o shimasu zettai ganbaru~
Innocence
6:51 PM
